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Often when one thinks of disciplining kids you think of angry exchanges with both sides feeling frustrated and misunderstood. When people, especially kids, are upset, they lose the ability to think. Kids also like the feeling that comes with anger. It can make them feel like they have power due to the release of endorphins, which is addictive. Understanding why your child gets angry is valuable. Then you can catch their anger sooner. Triggers are external (like during transitions) and internal (fatigue, dietary, and sensory issues).

You usually won't get a positive response unless you and your child are calm, so make that the first step. When your child is responsive, which means ready to listen, he or she can practice a skill you are trying to teach, instead of just giving them a consequence. You can remember this approach as "CPR: Calm, Practice, and Reinforce."

Calm first. Don't argue. Discipline should not exhaust the parent. Stress and anger are contagious, so how you feel when you are with the kids has more impact than what you say. Ask yourself, "What am I feeling?" If needed take a break and separate, as long as they are safe. When you return, show that you understand them (you do not have to agree) to slowly turn off their brain's alarm system. You can ask them to find your eyes, use appropriate touch (maybe), and give them firm direction. Or, let them talk without countering them at this point. Learning emotional regulation skills are more important than other lessons at this point. Physical and verbal aggression, however, is designed to shock, upset, and control you. Don't let it work. If your child is too disruptive, lead him or her from the room to a safe place in the house. Ensure safety. As soon as you can and are calm, join your child. Don't address behavior yet at this point. Instead use breathing, calming, distraction techniques for yourself or movement for your child to release endorphins appropriately. Stretching, walking backward, exercises, jumping, or swinging are possibilities among others. Sometimes you just need to wait it out until the adrenaline is metabolized.

In general,

Increase the amount of calm time spent together in the home. Create routine and warn about transitions ahead of time. Expectations should not be too high. Take it step by step.

Practice the right behavior daily. Like anything else, it takes practice to improve. To practice self-control, use the five senses to self-calm. Either a child can imagine a pleasant place he feels safe and secure, and imagine what he or she is experiencing through all five senses, or a calming kit can be put together with items replaced weekly. For sight, pictures, photos, or moving objects or toys can be used. For touch, objects or toys of different textures can be used, or rolling up in a blanket, squeezing a pillow, hugs or massages can be options. Tastes include favorite flavors and textures (crunchy, spicy or sour). Sounds include music or relaxing sounds. Scents include strong or pleasurable smells. All engagement of the senses should be accompanied by awareness of breathing with an emphasis on the out breath. You can also use balloons, bubbles, or pretend to smell a flower and blow out a candle. Movement can also be used. Stretching, walking backward, exercises, jumping, or swinging are possibilities among others. Certain people can also be calming if they are around, and helping others and laughter are positive endorphin-releasing activities. Engage the mind and body by focusing awareness.

When you and your child are calm and at ease, you can practice problem-solving and other skills. For problem-solving, you can use the 'Triangle Approach." The bottom corners of the triangle represent both sides of an issue. Both sides can share their perception of what happened. Each side shows understanding of the other side. Surprisingly, there is no need to agree or disagree to teach effectively. Then, instead of focusing on who is right or who is wrong, фокус on the top of the triangle, which represents multiple brainstormed solutions. Agree on a solution to try, hopefully built on the kid's ideas.

In general,

Positive interactions need to outweigh negative interactions. Spend time, talk, and show affection. Describe their accomplishments throughout the day.

Reinforce with routine privileges, plus special privileges at unexpected times, after calming and practicing. Perhaps a designated light can be used to indicate privileges, and when it is turned off, privileges are on hold until responsibilities are completed. Use consequences that are logically related to the behavior if the problem reoccurs. Empathize before giving a consequence. For older kids, have them suggest the consequence ahead of time.

In general,

Negative reactions are powerful reinforcers of negative behavior. Long-term disadvantages exist for using fear, threats, and isolation. Make the right behavior get better results for the child.

Using calm approaches, practicing skills, and positive reinforcers teach more than the negative in the long run. Negative consequences are shown to control behavior in the short term, but not necessarily in the long term. The law of conflict means that if you choose one side of an issue, your child will choose the other side and hold on. Instead, look objectively at both sides of an issue without putting the other side down. The law of self-determination means that your child will often make poor decisions when freedom to choose is lost. Instead, let them have choices. Positive consequences include enabling your kids to research a topic, volunteer somewhere, or provide restitution. Most importantly, your positive or negative reaction to kid's behavior is a useful predictor of future problems. Whatever approach you use, don't forget the three "C's" (consistency, consistency, and consistency).

Would you like to learn more about parenting approaches? Consider these books:

Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy by Michael J. Bradley

Try and Make Me by Ray Levy and Bill O'Hanlon

The author Dan Blair, LMFT, LCPC, NCPC is a marriage and family therapist, counselor, and divorce mediator with in Crystal Lake, Illinois.

We offer free articles on peaceful ways to resolve relationship issues to support life-long marriage and mimimize the harm from divorce through divorce mediation. We also address family and personal issues associated with depression, anxiety, anger management, and addiction. Call today to talk with a Christian counselor.