Candy Bouquet West

A tip from a woman who received lots of gifts from lots of men.

Grab any guy on the street and ask, "Why do you think you buy gifts for your girlfriend or wife?" Their answers are pretty much the same: To make her happy or to make her feel special. This is the dominant narrative about the purpose of gift giving in our society. However, by accepting and following this commonly held belief, we all seem to miss out on something truly important about gift giving.

Think about what you bought for her (or maybe, them?) throughout your life. Flowers? Chocolates? Lingerie? Jewelry? Aromatic candles? Perfumes? Stuffed animals? Spa gift certificates? Designer purses? Her favorite wines? Beautiful greeting cards with lovely words? -- the list goes on and yes, I've received all of them. They are among the list of popular gift items for women. I was supposed to be happy when my men bought them for me, but, that was not really the case.

I often forgot to change the water and as a result, the flowers didn't last long. I blamed my laziness. I had to endure those stinky smells when I threw them out and thought about the money those guys must have spent. Every time I HAD to eat chocolates, I worried about my weight and blood sugar level. Their choice of jewelry didn't match my clothes and other accessories. I had a boyfriend years ago who loved seeing me in lingerie, and he started to buy me some after he checked on my clothes size. Unfortunately, none fit me because I wear petite and he chose regular size. The result? In order to please him, I spent my money and time buying lingerie that fit my body type. My place was filled with half-burned, odd-shaped candles that were once used to create a romantic mood. As greeting cards started to pile up and clutter my drawers, I found myself in a dilemma not knowing what to do with them. Throwing them out would make me feel like l I had betrayed their love, but I really hated clutters.

Am I a complaining, unappreciative woman? No, I never complained. Instead, I gave a lot of thanks to my men because I appreciated their intentions. Nevertheless, in most cases, receiving gifts was a frustrating experience and I thought that frustration came from the fact that there was really nothing special about the gifts they bought. It wasn't until last Saturday when I realized what was really wrong with their gift ideas.

Last Saturday, my current boyfriend, Scott, put a candle on the coffee table after dinner. My immediate thought was "Gee, another candle?" As he was lighting the candle, he said "I'm gonna perform magic for you." Then, he took some black stuff out of his pocket and put it on top of the candle. In a while, that black thing cleared up, and I could read his funny words on why he loved me. While I was giggling over his goofy "secret message", he took something out again from the other pocket and changed the candle into a picture holder. And there were 2 pictures we took when we were vacationing in New Mexico. All the beautiful and fun memories flooded over me.

The next day, after Scott left, I thought about how that little candle thing was different from all the other gifts I'd received in the past. And a great realization dawned on my mind. It looks like all the guys in my past were duped into a highly commercialized practice of gift giving. Perhaps, we are all dupe into a myth that gifts are supposed to make others happy, while ignoring the reality that whatever gift you choose, it represents who you are.

Now, it all makes sense. Those men who wanted to impress me with their accomplishments bought me expensive jewelry, perfume, brand name purses, or spa certificates. Those who considered themselves to be romantic bought me flowers, chocolates, candles, or lingerie. What type of guys buy their women digital camera or iphone? They are gadget guys! Who is Scott, then, who bought that silly candle and мейд me laugh? Yes, that's the guy who has the quality I love so much - a sense of humor that helps me tremendously to tackle with the stress from my work and other issues in life.

So, guys, when you are in love with your girlfriend or wife, there must be some qualities in you that мейд her to fall in love with you in the first place. Those qualities are what make her happy. Material objects don't mean much in and of themselves (unless your woman is materialistic). If you want to buy gifts for her, I am asking that you don't follow those commercialized gift ideas. Instead, look for something that truly represents who you are, and make her fall in love with you all over again when she receives it.

Gui-Ok Cho lives in Los Angeles and owns a company in the fashion industry. She earned her BA in Journalism in Korea and finished a Ph.D program in Communication at the State University of New York in Buffalo. She will welcome your comments and thoughts about her article. Her e-mail address is . If you are interested in the candle Scott got for her, check .