Pretty Flower In A Vase

How do you make a relationship work? If you ask those in a relationship, chances are, the most common answer would probably be: having good communication with your spouse or partner. Simple. Right? Of course not!

If having good communication is the answer to making a relationship work, then does that mean that people whose marriages ended in divorce or those who have ended their relationships did not know how to communicate? Well, maybe some of them but definitely not all of them.

People who go into a relationship want to make it work - at least, most of them do. However, in their quest to have a great relationship with their partner, many have been misled by common misconceptions of what will be best for a relationship.

Several books have been written about relationships and there are so many experts who give advice about relationships. People have been bombarded with a ton of information and many have accepted what they see and/or hear as gospel truth.

While experts do give sound advice, some "facts" have been proven to be false by certain researchers who have conducted different scientific studies involving couples.

So let's clear the myths once and for all on how relationships work.

Myth # 1: Common Interests Keep You Together

There's a wildly held belief that in order for a relationship to really work, you and your ex need common interests to glue yourselves together. Though, what this myth fails to explain is that it all depends on HOW you share your common interests.

A couple that share a love of photography may encourage each other to take beautiful panoramic photos of the sunset and concentrate together on getting the best colour possible into their photos.

Another couple may share the same interest in photography but not the same mutual respect. They may constantly criticize each other's work with comments such as "That's a pathetic photo! You've got no idea when taking sunset photos!"

So you can see how pursuing common interests may not be in this second couple's best interests.

Myth # 2: One Good Turn Deserves Another

One myth of a healthy and happy relationship is that when one treats the other in a positive way, his or her partner should do the same.

Some experts advise couples in troubled relationships to reciprocate good deeds or kind words for each other to make their relationship stronger. If one helps the other with a chore, then they expect the other to reciprocate next time.

Take Lee and Lyn. They have been together for 8 years and have come to a point where arguing and fighting are normal daily activities. Since both have become very negative in the way they treat each other, a marriage counsellor advised them to try to do nice things for each other. Both agree to give it a try.

Two weeks later, the relationship got worse. Why? Lee goes all out in trying to do something good for Lyn. He buys her chocolates and flowers. He takes her out to dinner. He even helps her out with some chores. For her part, Lyn tries not to nag Lee about him playing video games (he's already 30). She even arranges Lee's video game collection after he uses them. So, what's the problem?

Lee thinks that he's doing more for Lyn than she's doing for him. Lyn meanwhile, says that Lee should be grateful that she's still making an effort to stay in the relationship despite the hurtful things that Lee had said to her during the 8 years that they'd been together.

Contrast this to Bob and Grace.

Grace makes sure that when Bob gets home from work, the house is clean, his dinner is ready and that she'll sit by his side as he talks to her about anything he'd like to talk about. Meanwhile, before Bob goes home, he buys Grace's favourite chocolates or pastries. Every night before they sleep, they kiss and hug each other. They reaffirm their love for each other and keep saying how much one is proud of the other.

Bob and Grace do things for each other because they have positive feelings toward each other. They love and respect each other. But Lee and Lyn were doing it as a last ditch effort to save their relationship. In the end however, they were keeping a running tally of who has done what for whom. It was no surprise that not long after that "attempt" to save their relationship, Lee and Lyn decided to separate.

Myth # 3: Personality Problems Will Ruin Your Relationship

Nobody is perfect. But then again, there are some people who are really neurotic.

This myth is that neurosis, or in other words, your personality disorders (or that of your ex), is what caused your breakup.

The key to a happy relationship isn't having a "normal" personality, but in finding someone whom you can mesh with. Somebody who can deal with whom you are and your personality.

Take the case of Jim and Alice. Jim is obsessed with always keeping the house clean because he has allergies. His wife Alice was brought up in a family of 7, hence always had a messy house. Alice makes that extra effort now to pickup afer herself and keep the house tidy. If Alice had been a slob and didn't adjust to Jim's hangup, then their relationship would have ended a long time ago.

The case of Gilbert and Allison is different. Gilbert is an executive in a large corporation and earns five times the amount that most earn in one year. But because Gilbert was brought up poor, he's very careful whenever he spends money. He's afraid of losing all his money and going back to being poor.

Allison however, loves to shop. She keeps buying things - charging it to her credit card - just because "we can afford it."

Gilbert kept reminding Allison that she should only buy things that she needs and that she should learn how to save. Allison thinks that Gilbert is being unreasonable and tight. She thinks that he is earning more than enough for them to live on. Besides, she feels that she deserves to go out shopping because she had given up her career early in their marriage so she could take care of their two sons.

Eventually, because of the constant fighting about Allison's spending and Gilbert's - what Allison calls - irrational fear, they decide to divorce.

Many of us have issues, some of which may not be rational but that does not mean they have to interfere with your relationship.

The point is that personality disorders don't have to ruin a relationship. What matters is how you deal with them. If you can accommodate your partner's strange side and handle it with affection and respect.

There has to be a balance in a relationship. Otherwise, if both parties do nothing but fight and continue to lock horns until one relents (which rarely happens) - the relationship is headed for splitsville.

Myth # 4: You Should Resolve All Conflicts In Your Relationship

Here some experts wrongly advise couples to openly communicate with each other. Couples are encouraged to talk about how they feel. While this may work for some couples, others do not deal with conflicts this way.

Such is the case between Tony and Irene. When Irene gets on Tony's nerves, Tony goes to the gym and works out. But when Tony annoys Irene, she goes out and watches a movie at a cinema with her bestfriend. When Tony and Irene head back home, they go on with their lives as if nothing happened.

Couples have different ways of dealing with conflict. Some prefer to have a dialogue whilst others avoid it altogether by retreating from the field of battle and then regrouping later on as if no conflict ever took place.

Tony and Irene's style of conflict resolution has worked out well. He now has a toned body and she has been able to spend some quality time with her bestfriend. The end result, Tony and Irene are still together. They're very happy and still love and respect each other.

Myth # 5: Unfaithfulness Causes Separation Between Couples

Many say that couples divorce or separate because one or in some cases, both parties were involved with another person.

Studies show however, that people have affairs not because of sex but because they're seeking understanding, attention, respect, support and concern which they lack in their present relationship. In fact, only 20 to 27% of divorced couples say that their marriage broke up because of an extramarital affair.

Myth # 6: Men Come From Mars And Women Come From Venus

Men and women are not physically and emotionally built the same way and this can contribute to some conflicts in a relationship. But these differences are not the cause of a relationship breakup. In fact, researchers have come up with some facts that men and women are very similar in many areas.

It's been determined that both men and women's satisfaction with sex, romance and passion in their relationship is dependent on the quality of the couple's friendship. This just shows that no matter how different both genders are on the surface, they are more alike in more important aspects in life.

Take our earlier example, Bob and Grace. Grace is a dancer and loves to sing karaoke. Bob does not sing or dance - except slow dancing with Grace on very rare occasions. Grace loves to watch musicals. Bob watches action and horror films. Grace is always very conscious of how she speaks to other people - she doesn't want to say anything that will hurt someone else's feelings. Bob, on the other хэнд, is very blunt. He just "tells it like it is."

As different as they may be on the surface, both are very loyal. Both of them put their family first before anything or anyone else. Although both have friends, they rarely go out with them because they prefer to just stay at home and watch movies on cable with the kids.

Most importantly, both love to make silly jokes and laugh out loud. These similarities more than anything, have kept them together for 24 years.

Myth # 7: Men Are Polygamous By Nature

Men are known to have higher sex drives than women. While women generally tend to have emotions involved before they sleep with a man, it is believed that most men are in it just for the sex. Thus, the notion that only a small number of the male species can ever be faithful to their spouse or partner.

It has generally become accepted that no matter how satisfying one's relationship may be, men will inevitably have reasons to play the field.

However, recent studies show that more women today get involved in extramarital affairs than men. The reason to this is perhaps because more women have gone into the corporate world.

The present economic downturn has brought more women out of their homes to help their spouse or partner support the family's needs. With this rise in the number of women employees comes research showing that extramarital affairs committed by young women now slightly exceeds those of men.

This just goes to show that the frequency of affairs do not depend on gender. Extramarital affairs take place because of OPPORTUNITY rather than gender.

There are many myths about relationships. These are just some of the main one's that we have to unlearn.

Myths can dangerously mislead couples into believing that developing a strong relationship is hard and that they'd be better off without one. This is not to say however, that maintaining a relationship is easy. If that was the case, divorce rates would be much lower.

But just like anything that you aspire for in life, you must be determined to make a relationship work. You must be willing to do what it takes, and you must also be sensitive to your partner's needs if you want to truly enjoy a successful relationship.

Want more? This is only a touch of what Jay teaches his customers. Do yourself a favour and head over to for your free Insider Report that you can put to work today.